cheques and balences...well actually maths and coffee and history but it's all the same

Hello. Update on my reality- I am under obligation to drink just one cup of coffee per week throughout February, as decreed by my lovely alter-ego Anais. I'm sure there are benefits to this but it seems very evil. How am I going to live with only one cup per day? I wonder if she'd let me drink decaf?

what if?

To A Loved One
Let me take your hand,
And guide you away from here,
Where danger and pain fill every waking moment,
And fears of tomorrow ruin today.
Let me take your hand
And lead you somewhere safe,
Where you can live a happy life
And where your smile is real.
Let me take your hand
And hold you close to me
So I can pretend I will never lose
Your gentle touch,
Your thought filled eyes,
Your little smile.
Let me take your hand
In these twilight hours
And give you to a better place,
Where you will live forever more
Happy amoungst the flowers.

A Problem
When imagination runs too far,
And reality is a dream,
And when my demons haunt me
And make me want to scream,
And when I'm crying on my bed
Surrounded by dead children
Who weep and yell and shout at me,
And make it all too much,
When I feel I can't go on,
My fingers bathed in blood,
And when I'm cold and all alone
It makes me smile to think of you,
So sweet and gentle, safe and warm.

a post

Hello. I don't have much to say but I realised I haven't blogged in a while and I figured I should blog. The only things on my mind are unspeakables so I will not say them. Here's a thought for you: would you like to be a fish who lives a relatively long and contented life? Or would you prefer to be a musician who dies tragically young and very depressed? As a fish you would be happy but as the musician you would think greater things. Which would you rather be?

This post is dedicated to the burnt one (otherwise known as 'Chard) as 'twas he who reminded me of this question, by looking like a fish.

rain

I was going to do a rant about how amazing rain is but I can't, not beyond what I wrote earlier. So yeah. Rain:

In the rain I'm on my own,
But in the rain I'm happy alone.
The sky may weep and the winds may wail,
But in the rain, and sleet, and hail,
I am at one with all and nought,
And nothing you say can make me distraught.
In the rain I am at peace.
No man, no words, no growling beast
Can make me hide what I've become.
In the rain I'm comfortably numb.
In the rain my mask slides off,
Like a shy and gentle moth.
In the rain my sodden skin
Just for a moment, lets me in.

whistling

Cry
I wept and cred 'til just breathing hurt,
And then I sobbed some more.
My tear were black,
So strange to watch.
They dripped down my body,
Cool and dark,
Reeking of loss,
Of fear.
I am marked with an evil beauty
That has left pain where'er it went.
I bear the sign of sadness.
I wear a badge of shame.
My body left exhausted
I cannot escape.

Coffee Cup
Sitting in a coffee cup,
Breathing in the air;
Treasureing the bitter taste;
Wallow in its liquid glory.
Stroke the nice hot coffee cup.
Thankful gulp and swallow.
Remember the balnket that covers you;
Makes you warm and keeps you safe.
Sitting in my coffee cup,
The comfort's overwhelming;
Treasuring the bitter taste;
Relaxing in a moment's glory.

In Mourning
someone's crying
in the morning;
they've been crying
all night long.
someone's crying;
they're in mourning;
they've been crying
for one who's gone.
someone's crying
as day is dawning;
they've been crying
'cause now they're alone.
someone's crying
as birds start singing;
they'll be crying
their whole life long.

Hide-and-Seek
Bubble and squeak and giggle and shout!
A child is playing hide-and-seek with a tiny fairy.
Behind a daisy the fairy flutters.
The child knows not where to look,
But the playmates are patient.
Bubbles squeak overhead.
A moment's distraction;
A giggle. A shout.
But the game must go on
Until the child becomes me,
And the fairy turns into you.
Then at the bottom of a princess's garden
The game will finally end.
Don't be sad though.
The next game is wild and crazy.
Before I was but a child and you just a fiary.
Now with greater wisdom we play on
Until new games commence with a bit more fun.

COFFEEEE!

Good evening all. I am currently whistling and drinking coffee. As there is plenty of it about and I have made some recent very interesting discoveries; well just one; I am going to talk just a little bit about my belovéd drink. According to the science digest in the Metro (Weds 11th Jan. 2006 edition) caffeine can improve you sex life... if you are a female rat. Theories behind this include one that because the rats have never really been exposed to caffeine before its effects on them are great. I think my point is WOOO! COFFEE!

Other recent events in my life include eating two lunches in one day (that's FOUR meals in 24 hours!), doing mocks and appriciating life more. I'm going to go and see Jamie Cullum on Saturday. That should be interesting. Also I recieved a letter today which was very fun. I like letters. Thank you. I think that's about it. Oh, and I recommend the book 'Peter Pan'. It's not just for children, I promise. 'Night.

Sleep, Hunger, Crying, Coffee, Breakfast! and m...m...mocks

I have recently made a discovery. Sleep is actually not necessary! You CAN survive easily on as little as 3 hours a night, providing you maintain your caffeine and energy levels. It's fantastic.
Last night/this morning (depending on how you look at it...it was before I went to bed so last night) a very rare occurrence occurred. I was sitting on my bed contemplating stuff and watching a story in my head, when I noticed a strange feeling in my stomach. Normally I ignore feelings in my stomach as much as I can, they're not usually good things. But this feeling was entirely different from any feeling I'd felt in a long time so I began to wonder what it was. It wasn't pain of any sort, nor was it a temperature or wriggly thing. After about twenty minutes of thinking it struck me. The feeling I was feeling was hunger! I was very excited by this. I sat there for a couple of minutes treasuring the hunger feeling, it's really quite nice, isn't it? I then realised that when you're hungry you're meant to eat so I reached for my carrot/apple bag, which was sadly devoid of any carrots and apples, due to me having eaten them all and not brought any more. Inside the bag I had three oranges, which I skinned and ate, whilst watching my hamster play in his cage. Having completed this task I drank some water (another rare occurrence) and considered actually going to bed. It was about 2h30 when all these events finished and I figured I might as well try to sleep. I actually got to sleep really quickly, it only took about half an hour, ish. I was so proud of myself. Anyway, yeah. That was my adventure of the night. It was one of the best feelings I've had all year. I hope I get hungry again soon.
This morning I got up at six to get back into school hours again and to walk Henry to the bus stop. He informed me he did not wish to be escorted to the bus stop so I woke Luke up and we messed about for a bit. He made me cry! I was drinking coffee and juggling. He was eating breakfast and drinking tea (I'm a bad influence on him). He said, "Wouldn't it be really funny if you dropped a juggling ball in your coffee!" Not really thinking, I replied, "Yup." "There would be coffee all over the floor!" He said. I dropped the juggling balls and started to cry. It's pathetic really. But how could be so callous as to even think of spilt coffee on the floor? Yeah, it was sad.
Oooh! And I had breakfast! In the morning! I'm so good. I had a curry sandwich and it was YUMMY! Not so impressively I had already drunk two cups of very strong coffee by 8 o'clock. Normally I try to wait until 11 to have my second cup. But I'd boiled the kettle to make Luke's tea so I figured I might as well have some more. I do like coffee.
ANYWAY! I'd best be off back to my history revision. Mocks tomorrow! EEK! hehe.

14th November

On the 14th November 1582 Shakespeare married Anne Hathaway.
On the 14th November 1840 Claude Monet was born.
On the 14th November 1982, Lech Walesa, the leader of the Solidarity movement returned home, having been released from jail. He had been imprisoned as part of a crack down against the Solidarity movement, by the communists. In 1983 he was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. In 1990 he became Poland's first democratically elected leader.
On the 14th November 1989 I was born, just 5 days after the Berlin Wall fell.
The 14th November, just one of 365 day in a year.

2005

(5th Jan.)
So, what happened in 2005? How much detail should I go into? How much can I remember? There are somethings that cannot be said, others that can...this will require much thought and may take much time. More time than I have right now. I can't remember anything before Dec31st anyway, so i suppose research is in hand...

(6th Jan.)
So I have done some research and I can conclude that 2005 was a terrible year. There are some months which I refuse to talk about because they were not pretty months and I want to highlight the good things that happened in 2005.

January 2005:
-bloodtests I love bloodtests. Blood is so pretty and it's really nice to just see it being sucked out of you. Very calming. Though I got very dizzy afterwards. But it was all fun.
-guitars I had just started playing the guitar and I was playing often with my friend, Jon. We spent hours in his room just playing and singing. It was brilliant, we laughed so much.
-Luke got a stud through his lip and had to have plastic surgery That was not so good but it was interesting. I went to visit him in hospital and he was asleep so I ate his dinner. It was yummy!
-I went kiting a lot Which was obviously fantastic because I like kiting and I went with Richard (my Richard) down to Camber Sands. It was SO windy. We sat on the beach and threw stones in the air and they flew! It was great.

February 2005:
-Lake District! Yeah, I went to the Lake District for a couple of days with my family. It was very fun. We walked very high up and there was snow. This one day I went on a long long walk with my dad and we got very lost and ended up sliding down the ice on the side of a very steep mountain- it was sooo much fun.
-Time travel on the bus I became convinced this woman on the bus that I saw every morning was a time traveler from the future. I can't remember why, but I stalked her for most of the month. Then I remembered time travel doesn't exist yet and realised I was being silly.
-COFFEE! I drank a lot of coffee in Feb. 'Twas goood.
-Eloquence I formed a band with Jon and this guy called Sacha. I sang and played guitar. We were going to rule the world. But it didn't work out. We split up in the summer. It's a shame. I miss playing with other people.

March 2005:
-lots of choir There was lots of choir. Helen and I sang lots and lots, and talked lots and lots. Hehe.
-Laure! My French exchange came here. It was interesting. We saw all the sites of London and had fun. She was a bit quiet though.

April 2005:
-month of no coffee I don't drink coffee in April.
-I saw Motorcyle Diaries It's a lovely lovely film. It only cost £2 to watch it! That was fantabulous! :)
-a long walk I also went on a very long walk, carrying Nancy (aged 4) most of the way and rescuing her brother from a swamp. It was good! Really funny...

May 2005:
-STAR WARS CAME OUT AND I SAW IT!!! Do I need to say any more?
-Bob (my hamster) and my great great aunt died. That was sad. Um. Yeah.

June 2005:
-Drama! I designed and operated the lighting for part of a play we put on at school. It was very fun, if a bit time consuming. 'Twas fun and yaysome!

July 2005:
-I was camping with these people and I borrowed this guys guitar and ran away with it! I was sitting behind a car and playing the guitar and these kids came up to me and gave me some money. They thought I was busking. I was so flattered. :)
-France I later got sent to France on a French exchange. I went camping with these French Girl Guides and it was amazingly fun! I went on a midnight secret hike in the vineyards and we lay and looked at the stars, until the farmer's dogs started barking and we returned to the tents.

August, September and October 2005:
I don't want to talk about them. Sorry.

November 2005:
-DRAMA! Oh yeah, we did divising and it was great! Very much fun and memorable. I played an eight year old imaginary girl who'd got raped on multiple times by her father. It was really good. Really really good.

December 2005:
-lots of parties Some good, some not so good. :)

So that was roughly my year. Sorry for missing some bits out. Ok, that's it. Hugs.

coffee etc

I realised something today and it's still a bit mashy in my mind, but basically it is that if I try hard I can do something. So I am going to try hard. I've been sleeping way too much recently, wasting soo much time. (Waking up at 9! TOO LATE!) Thus, tomorrow I will up bright and early at six, and be doing something worthwhile with the three hours I've been wasting. My theory is, if I do something to please my parents in the morning then perhaps I will be able to do something more beneficial later in the day. Though that might not be the case. I will try. If I fail I will try harder.

On a lighter note I think coffee is brilliant. I will blog a longer post when I can think of something nice to say. I love you all lots.

have you ever?

Have you ever forgotten you exist? It's an amazing feeling. You can be sitting and watching something and you're so focussed on the thing you're watching you just forget you exist. It comes as a shock to you when you realise you have a physical form. While you've forgotten you feel as if you could go anywhere, do anything and it's ok because everything is so calm. It's amazing. Have you ever felt that?