happy new year

why does everyone say happy new year? i mean we haven't experienced the new year yet- sure it might be happy but there's no guarantee. it hasn't been happy before. i hope it will be happy but that doesn't mean anything and really it's just silly. the only happy thing about the new year is that it isn't this year anymore, which i guess can only be a plus but why should it really make that much of a difference? im fed up of all these years and days and numbers. im gonna go and revise french on the roof.

un autre reve

Recently I had a dream which has stuck with me. I told to my brother early one morning in Sainsburies and he laughed a lot and said it should be made into a film. I laughed a lot and said no-one would watch it. He poked me.

The Dream:
I am in a stable of some sort. There are sections closed off to the left and right of me but I can see over the fences/gates. A bottle of champagne is floating in the air, liquid pouring out of it. I stand underneath it and catch the liquid as it falls. It is vodka but I don't stop drinking it. The vodka flows out plentifully until I pass out on the floor. It gushes until I am drenched in vodka. Then the bottle floats over to one of the closed stable bits where three sheep stand in a line. The sheep furthest on the right opens it mouth and drinks the vodka. It cackles evilly, its eyes roll into the back of its head and it falls over sideways- dead. A deep voice from an unknown source says, "The shepherd will be sad."

I apologise for lack of accent on the word "reve". I do know there should be one but I am too lazy to find it. Sorry.

childhood dream

There is a lake. It doesn't have a ripple on it. It's so huge I cannot see the other side. I suddenly realise it is a lake of blood. I turn around, there is just blood and fire. I look at my feet and see congealed blood. I scream. It echoes and the ground beneath me shakes. There are goblins, far away on a ledge, making a bridge out of bones. They're coming to get me. I turn and run into the lake. It's deep and I'm out of by depth within two strides. I struggle through the blood. It's getting thicker. I start to sink, spitting blood. I go under. I can't get up again. I close my eyes but still see the blood all around me. I open my mouth, gasping for air. Blood rushes in and I sink. Forever.

a conventional entry

Hello. I thought, for once, I would write a conventional entry. What I did today, etc. So here goes...

I woke up at 7 o'clock, which is WAY TOO LATE, so I very quickly got dressed and grabbed the remaining presents I had to take to school and some choir music. I then proceeded to the bus stop with my brother, Henry (13), and caught the bus to school. On the way I listened to Three Doors Down, who are relatively unknown but I like them a lot...sometimes. Upon arriving at school I wrapped two presents in plain paper and labelled them (they were the only presents I wrapped). I soon toddled off the Saint Barnabas, where I practised music with my choir and then we sang songs in a Carol Service. After this we all wandered back to school and gave out presents and cards and ate chocolate (well I didn't- brushing my teeth hurt so I didn't feel quite up to solids...or liquids). Um, then we all went to end-of-term-assembally with clapping and lots of awards (none for me of course. I have never been up in assembally). Then there was walking to pack the bag and walking to the music block. And looking at the opera who-got-in-list and I got the part of the 2nd Shepardess, which is a tiny part but I do not care- wooo! Urm, then me and Habiba recorded something to give to our parents for Christmas, but realised we couldn't put it on a cd so we "borrowed" the micaphone. Then I went home and ate some spaghetti from a tin and drank some coffee. Then Luke got home. Then I went off, on the bike to find Steve, and found Steve. Took Steve back to my house and we played Halo and I drank more coffee and struggled not to fall asleep and we just generally hung out. The my mother got home, in not a very good state-I am sorry Steve- so she went off to buy some food for dinner. Then Steve left and my Godfather, Roland, arrived. We all drank...maybe a bit too much...I don't know...I feel bad...hehe...and we did kareoke and 'twas all fun. That brings us up to now...

Now. Hum, well I have to admit I've felt better. I was meant to take a pill at 11...but I will do that when I go to bed...or at least downstairs. I've drunk a lot of water and I'm feeling gradually a bit better. Urm...other news...none, except I am trying to be vaguely Christmassy this year. I have a Christmas card stuck up on my wall.

*smiles*

curses

I cannot explain how much pain today has been. Simply moving hurts. Deep breaths hurt. I mean, if I shift a centimentre in my chair it hurts, and not just "ouch", actually so much that I can't unclench my teeth. It's ridiculous. Absolutely stupid. And it's not fair. I'm taking the pills, like I'm meant to. I'm trying to eat regularly. There really isn't very much more I could do. I'm fed up. I wrote some poems. They're not all from today. They're from all over the place. But whatever. Oh yeah, I have an English Mock and a timed essay for Drama to look forward to tomorrow. *giggles* Such fun.


A Poem
You are my best friend and my worst enemy.
You control me but I am the one that uses you.
You're never gentle or kind, but still I invite you in,
When I need you.
You like the thrill you feel when you've squahed me to the ground.
You like the power that fills you when I am yours alone.
You like to see me curled up and shaking.
You like to stop me in my tracks and throw me to the floor,
So I'm shrunken and misshapen, beyond sound and movement.
Then I hate you. I curse you. Silently I yell.
But there are times when I need you.
Sometimes you are my friend.
I like the control I have to bring you in.
I welcome you late at night, when I'm too tired to cope.
You guide me when I cannot think.
You help suppress the anger.
Are you destructive?
I think not.
You are my best friend.
But also my worst enemy.

Look at the World
I look at the world.
It's spinning and rocking,
While I sit frozen on the floor.
I look at the world:
Chaotic and ugly,
While holding my head in my hands.
I look at the world.
I notice it's completely still.
'Tis I who spins and rocks and swirls.
Time is stopped
But life goes on.

A Simple Why
Why can't you see
That she can't see?
Why won't you hear
Her silent cries?
Why can't you help
When life's too much?
Why not see through her lies?

A Dream - quote
A dream is never achievable.
If it is achievable
It is not a dream.

titchy post

dear whoever you are
find me and make me your beloved
find me

word of the day: narcoleptic
activity of the day: singing
problem of the day: that time when i was rendered immobile-hasn't happened in a while. scared me.
plots of the day: (1) involves ferrets, jam and something else. (2) involves chloroform, armbands and the Cam. (3) involves me and a guitar...I don't think I have the guts to carry it out...sadly
achievement of the weekend: sleeping 19.5 hours (I'm impressed)
failure of the weekend: the most obvious one would be being 1hour late for choir practise. *hangs head in shame*
phrase of the day: fall to pieces
decision in process: to stop putting poems online because they're silly.
thing I want to do: change my blog title.
final comment: no comment.

someone's favourite little coffee freak talks on coffee

I have not blogged about coffee for a long time and I feel it is time to enlightened all you non-coffee-freaks once again. Today I talk about the pros and cons of coffee.

Pros of Coffee
Tastes damned good.
Is relaxing- calms me down when I am in need of being calmed down.
Fixes loneliness, fear, depression, suicidal feelings, headaches, shaking, etc. (short term)
Contains caffine.
Can be made anywhere where there is heat and water. Or can be eaten solid- though this doesn't taste as nice.
Lots of people like it! (and if they don't, they should)
You can easily carry some around in a thermos.
It gives you the energy to smile when you can't yourself.

Cons of Coffee
Can be too strong and make you gag.
Sometimes fixes nothing.
If you drink a lot it can make you think you're floating, see these weird little elephants wearing cute scarves, and blackout & fall over.
There is a protest song aimed at it, which is very catchy.(see below)
They don't let you take it with you into the school library.
Sometimes you can't find any when you physically need it to just get on with your life but there is none nearby and you are a mess.
It is an expensive thing to fuel if you drink a lot.
Needs to be drunk regularly to maintain the pros.

The Anti-Coffe Song
C-O-F-F-E-E
Coffee's much stronger than tea.
Children should leave it alone,
Or it'll make them skin and bone.
Better by far to drink a cup of tea!

That's all I can think of to say. But I may add to it as the day goes by. In other news I have to thank Sarah HB for throwing a lovely party last night. What were everybody's secret missions? I've got to say mine was not particularly secret. "When someone says 'Warwick' pinch the bottom of the person nearest to you." Damn that word! And whoever came up with it! I will get you and tickle you (unless you are not ticklish in which case woe betide you!)I slept nine and a half hours last night! Be impressed, I don't sleep. Before that I had not been in bed for 41 hours. I didn't realise it was so long. Hehe. Also the weather is nice today. I am going to go shopping for Christmas Presents. (Next blog on Christmas.) *waves*

Some added groundbreaking news: I like coffee with milk and sugar. The last two cups I've had have both been milk and sugarfied. (In other words polluted coffee.) Urm, that's it. Except now we've run out sugar so I should buy some of that...

let me be your scapegoat

Flutterby
I thought I saw a flutterby
Flutter past my eye
While the sun was shining bright
Glitter in the summer light
I thought I saw a flutterby
I must've been mistaken
'Twas just a pretty butterfly
Flying cheerful in the sky


A Long Time
I've been waiting here a long time now,
Just dreaming of your face.
I'm sitting in the corner,
Remembering your voice.
I've been waiting here a long time now,
But I do not wait in vain.
I know soon you'll be near me,
Taking away my pain.


Fingers
He's watching in the garden,
Surrounded by the birds.
He's peeping through my curtains.
He smiles. I sit and work.
He will not rest 'til I am gone.
He's waiting for his chance.
He knows I am alone here.
He likes to hear me cry.
He sits and plots outside my window,
Waiting for his chance.
He will tie me up with ribbons,
And tear my skin to shreds.
He'll slash my arms.
He'll stain the gorund.
He will not rest 'til I am gone.
He's waiting for his chance.


My Mummy
My mummy loves me.
I know she does.
Even when I'm bad
And forget things I shouldn't.
My mummy may not always understand
But she does care
Which is why I should not let her see
When I am sad.


Don't let them see
Don't let them see
Cawed a crow
As I quietly opened the door.
Don't let them know
Whispered an apple
When I crept under its tree.
Don't let them hear
Coughed a lamp post
In the smoke lingering in the air.
Don't let them see
The world spins round
In dizzy circles.
Don't let them know
You can't hold on
To the floor anymore.
Don't let them hear
You're silent scream
As you fall uphill.


(this one is special) . . . (I don't know why)
To My Big Brother

Hello big brother
I have something to say
It's not mindblowing, or wise
I just want you to know
That I care.

Wait, big brother
Please, maybe one more thing
It's not special or clever
I just want you to know
That if you ever need me I will be here.

But big brother
Before you go
I have something to tell you
That you should probably know
It's just that
I need you

I need you to look after me
I need you to love yourself
I need you to be there to tell me
I am me, when I don't know

I'm sorry big brother
I'm wasting your time
You can go now
All I wanted to tell you
Is that I care.

there is no one here but me!

Hello. I thought I'd write a realy thing insted of putting in poems or whatever, simply because I have been told off with regards to my poems apparently mostly being depressing. So instead I write, with great skill might I add, in full sentences!!! Impressive, no? What do I have to say? I wrote a happy poem but I can't remember it. I've got it downstairs. I'll post it tomorrow, because this is very boring reading. Last night I fell asleep in my cupboard. I was safe in my cupboard. But it wasn't the comfiest of places and Sarah HB told me to get into bed. She can be very persuasive. So yes. Why was I in the cupboard? I think I should leave you to ponder over it...a prize for the best guess! :D hehe.

OH! Isn't it terrible how everything in the world is becoming a competetion. Here I was thinking the blogosphere was a nice competition-free zone and the Dave/The Scrinch introduces a competition! Disgusting isn't it! (I want to win- hehehe.)Oh, and I just put a competition on too. Well, they make things more interesting.

Well, I'd best be off now. Homework to do and all that. Hugs and kisses!